capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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