I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
