Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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