Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
