We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
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