remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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