Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
