Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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