absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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