She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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