Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
