I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
