you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
