Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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