non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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