how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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