So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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