so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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