Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
