Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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