I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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