I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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