We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
