got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
