Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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