Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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