the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
