and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
