ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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