i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
