the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I stole a fireplace last night.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Randomize
