I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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