just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
