I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I woke up under a house in Key West
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
