4 words: hood of his car
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
