Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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