I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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