you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you didnt know i had herpes?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
