everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
