I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
