I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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