My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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