Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
