My room smells like vodka and shame
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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