the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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