I faked an abortion last night.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
