This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
