my vag is so smooth its legendary
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
