I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
