Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
