Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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