My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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