real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
